He's Just Not up for It Anymore

>> Sunday, May 11, 2008

He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz



Books like this are why I like checking books out of the library. The title alone gets my curiosity peaked. I'm not married and probably never will be, so I have no real use for this. But what the hell, it's a quick and easy read! I read this in two nights while I was sick. Why pay money when you can get it for free!

The basic gist is that when married couples aren't having sex, it isn't necessarily because the wife is refusing the husband but the husband refusing the wife and the reasons why. Not based on scientific studies but general surveys with follow-up interviews with anonymous respondents, it's still quite interesting. The most interesting for me were the respondent quotes, quotes about what was going on in their marriages. The commentary by Bob and Susan seems quite practical and easy to understand.

I think my favorite quotes had to be the husbands who were angry at their wives. They just had interesting things to say.
She is frequently critical of any affection I show, sexual or otherwise. Everything is too much, too little, too soon, too late. I eventually learned to filter the negative commentary, but in the process I lost interest in her on many levels. (Male, 50s)
She is critical of everything I do. Examples include my appearance, the way I dress, my friends, how I drive, the way I eat, my choice of everything from restaurants to parking spaces. (Male, 60s)

I realize that sex with her gave her the power to hurt me, as she was verbally and mentally abusive. I broke off all contact with her. (Male, 40s)

I remember looking at her and realizing that I was no longer attracted to her. It was over. This also took away her last and most powerful manipulative tool and, yes, that made her even angrier. We continued to live in a sexless marriage for two years after that. It wasn't the first time we had gone for a long time without sex; at another point in our marriage she cut me off for sixteen months, but this time it was my decision. Sex was a weapon. We are divorced now, surprise, surprise. I don't miss her. And my dog is a heck of a lot more affectionate than she ever was. (Male, 50s)

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