Just sayin'...

>> Sunday, May 11, 2008

No, I can't imagine what would happen IF what Lainey mentions at the end were to come true, but then I tend to think the Powers That Be have quite the funny bone if you meet the mother of your children and presumed future/next wife on a movie about killing your wife. Just sayin'...


Smutty Break-Up #1: The Brads

The obvious choice, of course, would be Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. The regular girl who got The Guy, the God, the Brad…the demise of their marriage was a major bombshell and its ramifications are still reverberating across the gossip universe. But the truth is, the smuttiest splits involve Brad and anyone. Even Juliette Lewis, who was f&cked up for years (and arguably still is) after they broke up. Nowadays, for Juliette, only Xenu can fill Brad’s void. See what I mean?

Before the MiniVan Majority hung its hopes on Brad and Jen however, there was Brad and Gwyneth. They fell in love on the set of Se7en. He supposedly wanted her for Legends of the Fall but the role went to Julia Ormond instead (where the hell is Julia Ormond???). After Se7en, they were inseparable. And Brad fell hard. A Midwest modestly raised boy who finally found his princess – Gwyneth Paltrow whose mother was a Tony award winning actress, whose father was an Emmy winning producer, who played at Steven Spielberg’s house when she was a girl, who was born in California and raised in upper crust New York among the privileged and the proud who still believe that status that is inherited is preferable to status that is earned. Gwyneth Paltrow is the super snob of all super snobs. She was his trophy. I worship her. And so did he.

In all fairness, it did go both ways. They looked perfect together. They were ridiculously in love. Which is the why the press was ridiculously in love with them. Needless to say, those photos didn’t hurt. She the tall cool blonde with the classy good looks, on the arm of Hollywood’s Sexiest Man Alive, Brad and Gwyneth not only filled the void of Johnny and Winona, they took the concept of the modern supercouple and made it a supernova.

There were the nude photos on holiday (have you seen them?) and the public declaration of his love at the Golden Globes – do you remember? “My angel, the light of my life”. People Magazine called her the Luckiest Girl in the World. He proposed and everyone wanted to be her. Looking back, it was much too much. And she wanted her own identity.

But Gwyneth was young. And by her own admission, she was an asshole. She wanted more, she took him for granted, she cheated on Brad Pitt, pretty much confirming it to Diane Sawyer a few years ago, saying she was the “architect of her own misery” and that she behaved very badly. The candidates? Ben Affleck, Guy Oseary, Chris Heinz, and a rumour that Brad walked in on her servicing Harvey Weinstein in exchange for Shakespeare in Love which has since been written off considering Gwyneth’s pedigree and a new wrench thrown into the story that that was actually, allegedly, Charlize Theron.

Do you love it, or do you LOVE it?

Brad was reportedly devastated and bitterly disillusioned after breaking off the engagement. This is the shadow Jennifer Aniston stepped into. Painfully insecure and now occupying the taller, thinner, more talented vacancy Gwyneth left behind, it apparently took a while for Jen to find her groove. But he was totally into her. And they were able to keep their relationship relatively undercover for the first few months so that by the time news broke, both were contentedly committed and ready for marriage.

Their wedding was the event of 2000. A star studded guest list, elaborate logistics, a tent in Malibu, fireworks, helicopters, it was a fairy tale Hollywood affair.

And then came the baby waiting. Year after year, he’d make no secret of the fact that he wanted them, year after year she said it would happen soon. At the end of Friends. Even though at the conclusion of the series, she had at least 5 or 6 projects in the works, she kept insisting that the babies were coming.

He kept believing it too, telling Diane Sawyer that little girls broke his heart, that he couldn’t wait to be a father.

Looking back though – there were signs. Beyond the rumours that he and Angelina Jolie were electrifying on the set of Mr & Mrs Smith, there were indications that all was not well between the Golden Couple. Public fights, stiffness on the red carpet, and an argument caught on camera – rarely seen photo attached of Jen and Brad leaving a party in the middle of a heated discussion, she stalked off with him trailing behind... word is, things had been testy before Angelina came along.

She was tired of him pressuring her to get pregnant, he was tired of certain habits she wasn’t serious about cutting, and confused about her relentless ambition for more than Friends.

No need to rehash the rampant infidelity speculation – the MiniVan swears by it, the Brangelunatics believe the opposite. What IS true is that 20 Century Fox made a killing on Mr & Mrs Smith and was the ultimate beneficiary of all rumours about a Brad/Angelina hook up. Put it this way - it was an easy job for a publicist working to promote the movie. Coincidence or conspiracy?

Jennifer subsequently told Vanity Fair she chose to believe her husband – she chose to believe he did not cheat. On the day they announced their split, they were in Antigua together with the Arquettes, photographed kissing on the beach (attached)… one last holiday before parting ways. It was amicable for the time being.

Until Brad and Angelina showed up on the sand in Africa with her son. And the infamous W Magazine photo shoot. Jennifer quickly retreated into victim mode and the tabloids have cashed in ever since.

This is the Brad Effect. He falls in love so spectacularly, everybody takes notice. He falls out of love so dramatically, everybody has an opinion. There are stars who make more at the box office, who wield more clout, who might even be better looking, but only Brad Pitt’s love life inspires this kind of fascination, now multiplied a thousand-fold with Angelina Jolie.

Can you imagine? What would happen if… if…


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