>> Friday, November 28, 2008

Am new to the whole "Twilight" thing. Well, it's not like I'm going to actively participate in it, such as reading the books, unlike Harry Potter. I remember seeing the ads for Breaking Dawn earlier this year at my local Borders. (Don't remember seeing them ever at King's Books until it was close to being released.) The ONLY reason I know ANYTHING about this is from regularly reading Lainey. Two of my friends had read the first book (plus a husband, who only enjoyed 3-4 out of 24 chapters, not surprising). One has read the entire series. Not me. I have absolutely no desire to read this brand of romance novels.

So the first thing I learned about this back in April during Lainey's set visit was that this is a phenomenon theoretically on level with Harry Potter. Lainey said "Blasphemy!" and having watched the movie, I completely agree. The only thing I remembered from her post was that Cedric Diggory (Robert Pattinson) had been cast as one of the leads. Seemed alright to me. Lainey critiqued his "pants." Whatever. Today, my two friends who had read it complained earlier this afternoon about how Mr. Pattinson just wasn't right for Edward. Like WTF? Have you even seen the movie yet?!?! They said his eyes were too "squinty." "He just wasn't right for it." Whatever...
Then came the release of Breaking Dawn. Was it this summer? I can't remember exactly. I read Lainey's review of it since I wasn't worried about spoilers. I also read the Entertainment Weekly review, which was less scathing but certainly not glowing. I remember Lainey's much, much more clearly. It was drivel. That basic logic is seemingly missing from the overall structure of Meyer's story (Edward can't form tears because he's dead but can form sperm?). And of course, there has to be a baby born in the story.

Yeah, I formed my opinion on Stephanie Meyer not on her writing, but on an interview with her in Entertainment Weekly. Why? It was something about the combination of reading an article of these women fanatically devoted to these books and then reading an interview with Meyer. Something about Meyer being Mormon, being a BYU graduate and a stay-at-home mom and reading about Bella's whining from Lainey. Something about her reminded me how Mormon girls are raised--to be submissive. (Remember Elizabeth Smart? Perfect article on it right here.)

The whole series came across to me as some kind of marriage/love porn (aka Chicklit).
I don't read Chicklit. EVER. I don't have the patience for it. Ironically, I've heard of BYU graduates incensed at Meyer for having written that Edward was in Bella's room while she was sleeping, even though they didn't have sex. Ugh! I feel so transported back to the Victorian age! Fuck Utah!

So I went to see the movie tonight with my friends. I thought I was going to be able to avoid it. But I chose to go along and watch it of my own free will.

I of it. Part of the beginning. Part of the middle. Definitely not that montage. I can't even remember what was in the montage now that I've blocked it from my memory. But I remember seeing one and wanting to gag. (An eye roll just wouldn't have been enough.) I checked my watch twice, once exactly at the half way point. ("Shit! Another hour to go!")

And I gagged during the movie, literally, when I choked on my own saliva from eating Junior Mints. Normally, I'd feel bad about coughing so fucking loudly during a movie. But no, I had no remorse and certainly not because I was gasping for air. I can't imagine my coughing could actually ruin part of that movie. "Edward..." Ugh! GAG! Cough! Choke! Seemed like the most appropriate response to what was on screen.

I couldn't stand the ending. "Edward, I want to be with you forever!" (aka "I have no life of my own.") Ugh! It would have been more interesting if she had died, become a vampire and had to wrestle with it. Really interesting is Meyer's version of a vampire, no blood exchange to become a vampire, just a venom infection. Just seems to take the choice out of becoming a vampire on people. It can literally be thrust on someone by accident. Like Edward.

Speaking of Edward, after the end of the movie, one out of two of my friends had decided that Rob Pattinson was a good Edward. The other one couldn't be swayed. At ALL.


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