Twilight: New Moon

>> Wednesday, December 9, 2009

By some fluke, a friend and I went to see this tonight. I actually wanted to see The Fantastic Mr. Fox, but it was 8:30 when we arrived at the theater and Mr. Fox didn't start until 9:40. But New Moon was starting at 9:00. New Moon it was. I said that since that since practically no one would be in the theater, we could feel free to laugh at the cheese without worrying about being lynched by TwiHards.

I gave my friend the brief run down of what happened in the previous film. (I really hate that movie.) She was unfamiliar with it. I also told her some of the thrilling bits that happen in the final book, i.e. Jacob falling in love with a newborn. And she was like, if you were an immortal vampire, why would you spend almost a 100 years going to high school. Why exactly!

Why is Bella in love with Edward? I really couldn't grasp why during the movie. They're just in love. It doesn't matter that Edward basically has no personality. He's the pretty boy constantly concerned about Bella. It's the only thing he does with his life. How fucking stalkerish. Jacob has a personality. And a hot body. My friend even commented on his hotness during the movie. I said he's not legal, even by gay math standards.

The best parts for me were the cheese like the sparkle sound effects. A vampire just can't sparkle in silence. When you see glitter in real life, you must know that it isn't truly sparkling until you HEAR it sparkle.

Granted, this movie was WAY BETTER than the last one. There is an actual climax and a plot. However, as I said to my friend before the movie started, it's all about the blue balls. Edward can't/won't have sex. Neither will Jacob. Amazing how a teenage boy has the celibate restraint of a monk. I wouldn't expect a teenage boy to be able to do that until he's 50 and needing Viagra. I love that my friend then said, after Jacob rejected her, that Bella is going to be getting a vibrator. Poor girl, she's partly rejected by both boys in her life.

But my favorite moment had to be when Michael Sheen's character, a Volturi, saw a vision of the future, via "Alice," where sparkly Edward was running through the forest in slow motion wearing a white, flowing blouse with a beige vest and then Bella runs, via slow-mo, into view wearing a pastel dress and then she sparkled too! Major laughs throughout the theater. This is Stephenie Meyer's vision: running sparkly through the forest. I don't care if that's how it didn't happen in the book. It IS the ludicrous essence of the books.

When the movie ended, I just wanted to yell, "FUCK!!!!" I needed some kind of release.


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